Developing a Mother Heart

As time goes by, I see myself changing as a mother. My thoughts are a lot different with four children than they were with one young baby. My big reactions to small things have lessened considerably (thank goodness!). But really for the purpose of this blog, I would like to discuss how great it has felt as these changes have taken place.

To start off, I remember a talk given by Julie B. Beck a few years ago in which she discussed "developing a mother heart." She basically addressed the idea that the nurturing spirit which is so often associated with mothers is something that can be practiced and developed over time. I was really intrigued by her talk because I knew a lot of mothers who had tremendous capacities in their mothering skills, and I assumed they were just born that way. I felt wistful because I really wanted to be like them, yet I could tell my heart had kind of a "blank slate" in the spot where their "incredibly beautiful motives in family service" spot was found. I don't want to beat myself up about my "blank slate" spot, but it was there, so what can I say?

Anyway, this idea that I could start putting some Profound Motherhood Information on my blank slate really excited me. Soon I will be just like them, I thought. Well, that started me on a process of buying a lot of parenting books, articles, etc., and I read and learned a lot of valuable information, which has certainly been really helpful.

However, as time passed, I could see that me and my blank slate were still kind of the same. My head was full of really good information, but my "beautiful motives in family service" weren't very beautiful. I could tell that I was really trying, but somehow I just didn't get it. So many thoughtful things these mothers would do for their children didn't even occur to me! On the other side of the coin, when my children asked for things, I found myself having a difficult time happily meeting their needs. I don't really want to go into all the details about this, but trust me when I say I had some real angst in my soul when I recognized these things in myself.

So.... years and years went by with me fuddling through this process.

However, I can thankfully say the process has not been in vain. In time, time and more time, I came to realize that I am simply not any of those mothers. And (drumroll, please.....) it's OKAY! I finally had the courage and wherewithall to have the following conversation with myself:

• "What kind of mother do I, Emily (no middle name, who grew up in Morgan, UT, who ate dog food with Jason Holman and wore her mother's hoop skirt to the park to pretend she was in the "North and South" mini-series with Patrick Swayze) Nielson, want to be?"


• "How do I want to run my household?"


• "What things do I feel my children really need to learn?"


• "What kinds of attitudes, activities, and atmosphere do I want in my home?"


• "Uh..." I can't remember what else I asked myself.

So, upon posing these questions to myself (and allowing some time for pondering and prayer), I -for the first time as a mother - stopped worrying about all the "shoulds" and thought about what I actually WANTED. The way I really WANTED my life to go as a Mom. Then, somewhere in that process, I began to feel something really wonderful happen... a feeling of rightness, and peace, and coming home. And guess where it happened?

On my blank slate spot!

I discovered there were things I really wanted to do with my children, for my children, and around my children. I thought about my passions, thoughts, and ideas that I would LOVE for my children to learn and experience! I also realized how wonderful it would be if I could help them discover passions of their own. I think it was in that moment I knew my slate wasn't completely blank anymore. I felt "beautiful motives" in wanting to work with my children, and the best part was that I knew it was coming from within me. I dared hope that God gave these children to me for a reason, and if I can be my true, best self, maybe that's exactly what God wanted them to have...me, Emily (no middle name, who eats chocolate chips in the bathtub and is prone to do some really lame parenting mistakes sometimes) Nielson as their Mom.

And just maybe I needed to discover that I am just how I am supposed to be, but with lots more room to fill up on my slate, of course.