Weekend Update

We were eating brownies at the table and the following discussion went down:

Joel: Dad, let's have a race to see who can eat their brownie first!

Greg: Okay! On your mark, get set, go!

(Greg proceeds to hork his brownie down in one messy swallow like a complete Neanderthal.)

Joel, watching intently: I meant with good manners, Dad.

Hilarious!!!!! We all cracked up.

Candid shot, anyone? Maddie caught me unawares for this beauty!

Blue and Gold Banquet skit involving camping and toilet paper. Classic!

Greg had the ingenious idea to use the old Victorian playhouse as the chicken coop. The playhouse is darling, but there are a lot of not so kid-friendly things inside, such as: small nails sticking out of the ceiling, a collapsing floor in one spot, and lots of rough, splintery wood. Because of the problems, the kids don't really spend much time in there. He and the kids worked all afternoon covering windows with chicken wire and building a door with a latch. Voila! A fabulous (and pretty cute, being a chicken coop and all) new home for the chickens.

Good night to all! ~Emily

Laying down railroad tracks...

When the rails of habit are laid down, like the tracks set out for a locomotive train, [life] can go along easily and smoothly. The train moves easily, but the laying down of the rails has taken a lot of effort. Imagine yourself as John Henry, the steel-driving man who, with determination and perspiration, hammered those rails, laying miles of track across America. ~Karen Andreola

Looking back about three or four years ago, I believe I was about as frazzled as a mother of (then) three children could be. During the school year, life was fast-paced and busy just like it is for everybody. But then school got out, and the really difficult months of the year began... summertime.

During the summer, the kids and I would be in our pajamas until who knows what time of day, the TV was such a big part of our lives the children should have been calling it "Mama," and it would honestly take HOURS to get ready to go anywhere. We could never find shoes (insert any useful item in the "shoes" spot), or the house would be so messy I felt guilty going to do fun things, or just the thought of getting us all ready and out of the house almost sent me over the edge. Honestly so many things were really out of whack, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and it was seriously affecting both mine and the children's happiness.

Well, after some seriously sluggish and frustrating months, I finally decided I could not take it anymore!! I knew that somehow, somewhere, we had to take some action. I had read about families who lived on farms, and every morning they got up and did their morning chores regardless of season or weather or moods or anything else. It was just understood that every day they all got up and did their chores.

I thought about this idea of getting up and doing chores every day...with the kids getting dressed and ready for the day regardless of whether things were planned for that day or not...and I wanted them to do it all without having to prod them continuously. The eventual goal was that they would get in the HABIT of doing it everyday so that it would be as common to them as eating, breathing, going to school, etc.

So, with all of that in mind, I set up the following chart for each kid. They got to make and decorate it themselves, and the boys' charts had pictures at the time because they couldn't read yet. The one below is Maddie's. The kids were around 7, 5, and 3 at the time.




1. Make bed
2. Clean room
3. Get dressed
4. Brush teeth
5. Comb hair
6. Put on shoes and socks

I had read that habits take about 1 month to form. With that goal in mind, we set about getting these habits licked!

Uh...... little did I know, hmmm.....

How do I put this? I discovered I couldn't train my children because...

I myself was completely unable to be this consistent.

Give me a job, give me school, give me anything with outside pressure and I am GREAT at making sure those things get done. But just at home? With nobody looking? When I was tired or not in the mood or the kids REALLY didn't want to do their "pockets?" (That's what the chart came to be called, because of the little paper pockets where the card would go when the chore was done.)

I was terrible at enforcing this! Not only that, it almost killed me to admit how terrible I was at enforcing it all. I kept justifying myself that my kids were just overly lazy or not driven but soon it became blatantly clear to me that the problem was....... ME!

I wanted to be the farm mother I had envisioned - up early, making a good, hearty breakfast with children doing all of their chores cheerfully, and something awesome, like a blue bird or a cow singing me a song on my windowsill all before 5:00 am or so.

Maybe I was being a little too idealistic....

At any rate, it became abundantly clear that I, myself, had a problem with the pockets as much as my kids did. A month came and went. Then another month. Then another. Many, many months went by and we just kept trying. We'd often miss days, and weekends were particularly hard since they were all so different depending on what was going on. But we kept trying.

After about a year - literally - I felt myself, finally, getting trained that I had to enforce the pockets every day. The kids, because of the inconsistency, still dawdled, complained, and dragged their feet about it all. We went through about a dozen different consequences for not doing pockets, including: no TV, no friends, etc. (We put a positive spin on it: If you do your pockets, you earn TV time and friend time!) For various reasons, (mostly because I felt like a policeman all the time) these consequences weren't really satisfactory for me. I just wanted them to get into the habit and to do their pockets every day.

Well, there was no magic, we just didn't give up. After a year of training me, then another year training the children, we found our entire family settling into the pockets routine. We eventually chose an immediate consequence for a job well done or undone, which was breakfast. If the pockets are done, the child gets to enjoy a wonderful, family breakfast with the rest of us. If the child chooses to play during that time, they may wait for snack time at 10:30 for their own, personal breakfast.

So now, 3 and 1/2 years or so into this whole thing, I can really, really tell you that it has made a huge difference in our lives. The kids rarely ever miss breakfast, their jobs are done, the house is cleaner, but something else has happened that is even better.

I discovered there's a different feeling in the house after pockets have been done in the morning. The kids feel good, they feel proud of themselves, they're excited to jump into whatever else is to be done that day, and I get a wonderful opportunity to praise them every morning for doing a job well done and being responsible people. The whole process has really generated a feeling of, well, happiness in the mornings. Even better, that happiness and productivity from the morning affects the entire day.


This morning I found my kids with beds made, rooms clean, and church clothes on. Abby did her part by putting on her swimming suit. : )


I'm so thankful!!!!! What if we had never done this and I had quit one of the thousands of times I really wanted to quit over the first couple of years? It was SO HARD laying down these railroad tracks of habit, just like John Henry in the above quote, I felt like we were literally laying down steel, every day, to make this finally happen.

I'm so thankful we all stuck in there until this entire thing has truly become a habit for all of us. Now that this habit is in place, we've been able to slowly add other habits that are important to us as well. The children getting themselves up to their own alarm clocks, daily scripture reading and family prayer, and a daily routine chart have all been added. I like my days SOOOO much more than I used to a few years ago! I really, really love them, actually.

Charlotte Mason said:

The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days; on the other hand she who lets habits take care of themselves has a weary life of endless friction.

I found this quote in the middle of my efforts to establish our pockets routine. I thought of it all the times I wanted to quit, and hoped with everything I had in me that it was true. I can happily report that she is right - I am truly enjoying so many more "smooth and easy days" and the tracks we have laid will ensure more of them for my children, as well.

I'm so thankful for having the opportunity to learn this lesson!!

Have a good night!

Emily

"Plunging into vital knowledge..."

We endeavor that [the child] shall have relations of pleasure and intimacy established with as many as possible of the interests proper to him; not learning a slight or incomplete smattering about this or that subject, but plunging into vital knowledge, with a great field before him which in all his life he will not be able to explore.

-Charlotte Mason

We had the pleasure this morning of attending the first of three Writers' Workshops presented by Miss Holly Roth, a seventeen year old college student attending CNM. She gave a fantastic presentation on story-writing, covering the importance of intriguing first sentences and the climactic rise and fall of good story composition.

The information was great, but what I really loved was how she taught it! She made it really fun and exciting and the kids were all really engaged. I thought they were certainly "plunging into vital knowledge." Thanks, Holly!

Also, the kids are loving the chickens.

Have a wonderful evening! -Emily

Without being asked...

So my son, Joel, has been asking to take karate lessons for a really long time. I have to admit I have really dragged my feet because karate seems like a sport where the main goal is to hurt other people, try to keep yourself from getting hurt, or use your hand to break blocks of wood (all of which seem quite unpleasant to me!). However, I decided I needed to let all that go and give him a chance to try something he was really interested in. So in January, both he and Brendan started karate lessons.

And..... I must say it's pretty awesome - in ways I never would have expected. The premise of karate, at least where the boys are studying, is to have excellent self-discipline, respect, and obedience skills. (Especially physically, they must never use their karate skills other than in self-defense.) Hello, I'm in love! Every mother out there wants her children to have more of these three important life skills.

(Plus the boys get to do all kinds of kicks, punches, and generally rough stuff, so of course they love it, too.)

My personal favorite is the boys have on-going homework to show they are developing self-discipline. The dojo's definition of self-discipline is to do things "without being asked." So, their homework is to do their household responsibilities without any prompting at all. If I remind them to do something, they do not get any credit at all.

So imagine how lovely it is when my boys come running to me saying, "I made my bed without being asked!" "I took my dishes to the sink without being asked!" "I set the table without being asked!" I can listen to that ALL day. I have to add to this the fact that my children have a good chunk of chores every single day, and they are already pretty good at doing them. But this whole deal is just taking it to a new level.

In a broader sense, isn't this idea of "without being asked" kind of the best way we can possibly interact with each other and the broader outside world? If we could: do kind things, pay our bills, live good, responsible lives, grow spiritually, work hard, help others, etc., etc., without being asked, wouldn't so many needed, beautiful things happen continuously all on their own?

In closing, have my feelings about karate changed? I would say definitely yes, but the first time my boys actually hurt someone, get hurt, or break wood with their bare hands, I will be tempted to reassess that answer.

Bishop's Youth Discussion

The gospel is great! It blesses our lives in sooooo many ways.

I'd like to bring up just one blessing tonight. About every month, for the past five years, we have had the pleasure of having the Bishop's Youth Discussion in our home. It's so fabulous for our family to have a bunch of fun teenagers come over to discuss gospel topics and share their fun, young energy.

But mostly what I love about it is that my kids think these teenagers are the best thing since sliced bread, and they often sit and listen to the discussions and are being given such a GREAT example of teenagers making good choices. It's just a really powerful environment for them to learn from these kids whom they think are so awesome. Positive peer pressure is a wonderful thing!

A special thing about tonight was the fact we were joined by two teenagers who are not of our faith, and we had a fantastic time discussing our various beliefs. It was great for all of us to learn more about each other, and what we all hold dear to our hearts.

So, like I said, the gospel is great!

Breakfast Bounty, etc.

Little did I know when I married my husband that he was kind of amazing in the kitchen. I'm pretty much a recipe follower. I can improvise on spices and things for foods I've made a lot (like pasta or certain soups or meats) but for the most part, I need a recipe to follow. But Greg comes up with pretty amazing concoctions anytime he's in the kitchen....and he almost NEVER uses a recipe. He just throws in a little of this and a little of that. He doesn't get to cook often, being a busy, working father, but when he does, watch out!

What cracks me up about his cooking is that on some Saturday lunch time when I'd be throwing Top Ramen at the kids, I'll find him browning herbed chicken to go into a homemade alfredo sauce. I'll say, "Should we just do Top Ramen?" and he'll say something like, "No, I have zucchini grilling in the oven." Who am I to stop such progress? Last Mother's Day he and the kids surprised me with breakfast in bed and was it waffles, toast, pancakes? No (not that those wouldn't have been fabulous), it was cinnamon crepes with a curry shrimp filling... with all kinds of delectable fruits on the side. It tasted amazing. And he completely made it up. Anyway, I really love this particular hidden talent in my husband, and today was no exception!

So, anyway, the above picture is what I came down to for breakfast this morning. Crepes with a berry compote and freshly whipped cream.

I did catch an action shot...

Even Abby got to help!

Also, Maddie had some Achievement Day goals to pass off so she organized a multi-family get-together at a nearby park. Joel also had some cub scout stuff to pass off, so he organized all of the activities, including: races, bean bag tosses, a soccer game, and a nature walk.

Developing a Mother Heart

As time goes by, I see myself changing as a mother. My thoughts are a lot different with four children than they were with one young baby. My big reactions to small things have lessened considerably (thank goodness!). But really for the purpose of this blog, I would like to discuss how great it has felt as these changes have taken place.

To start off, I remember a talk given by Julie B. Beck a few years ago in which she discussed "developing a mother heart." She basically addressed the idea that the nurturing spirit which is so often associated with mothers is something that can be practiced and developed over time. I was really intrigued by her talk because I knew a lot of mothers who had tremendous capacities in their mothering skills, and I assumed they were just born that way. I felt wistful because I really wanted to be like them, yet I could tell my heart had kind of a "blank slate" in the spot where their "incredibly beautiful motives in family service" spot was found. I don't want to beat myself up about my "blank slate" spot, but it was there, so what can I say?

Anyway, this idea that I could start putting some Profound Motherhood Information on my blank slate really excited me. Soon I will be just like them, I thought. Well, that started me on a process of buying a lot of parenting books, articles, etc., and I read and learned a lot of valuable information, which has certainly been really helpful.

However, as time passed, I could see that me and my blank slate were still kind of the same. My head was full of really good information, but my "beautiful motives in family service" weren't very beautiful. I could tell that I was really trying, but somehow I just didn't get it. So many thoughtful things these mothers would do for their children didn't even occur to me! On the other side of the coin, when my children asked for things, I found myself having a difficult time happily meeting their needs. I don't really want to go into all the details about this, but trust me when I say I had some real angst in my soul when I recognized these things in myself.

So.... years and years went by with me fuddling through this process.

However, I can thankfully say the process has not been in vain. In time, time and more time, I came to realize that I am simply not any of those mothers. And (drumroll, please.....) it's OKAY! I finally had the courage and wherewithall to have the following conversation with myself:

• "What kind of mother do I, Emily (no middle name, who grew up in Morgan, UT, who ate dog food with Jason Holman and wore her mother's hoop skirt to the park to pretend she was in the "North and South" mini-series with Patrick Swayze) Nielson, want to be?"


• "How do I want to run my household?"


• "What things do I feel my children really need to learn?"


• "What kinds of attitudes, activities, and atmosphere do I want in my home?"


• "Uh..." I can't remember what else I asked myself.

So, upon posing these questions to myself (and allowing some time for pondering and prayer), I -for the first time as a mother - stopped worrying about all the "shoulds" and thought about what I actually WANTED. The way I really WANTED my life to go as a Mom. Then, somewhere in that process, I began to feel something really wonderful happen... a feeling of rightness, and peace, and coming home. And guess where it happened?

On my blank slate spot!

I discovered there were things I really wanted to do with my children, for my children, and around my children. I thought about my passions, thoughts, and ideas that I would LOVE for my children to learn and experience! I also realized how wonderful it would be if I could help them discover passions of their own. I think it was in that moment I knew my slate wasn't completely blank anymore. I felt "beautiful motives" in wanting to work with my children, and the best part was that I knew it was coming from within me. I dared hope that God gave these children to me for a reason, and if I can be my true, best self, maybe that's exactly what God wanted them to have...me, Emily (no middle name, who eats chocolate chips in the bathtub and is prone to do some really lame parenting mistakes sometimes) Nielson as their Mom.

And just maybe I needed to discover that I am just how I am supposed to be, but with lots more room to fill up on my slate, of course.

Catching Up and Getting Going (title by: Maddie)

Since I am just getting this blog going, I've had a lot of chances to peruse the many pictures we've taken in the last several months. It really is fun to recognize the memories we've made and things that we've been up to. Now, keep in mind, we don't really seem to take pictures when we are mad, sad, sick, or hurt. With that thought on the back-burner, I looked through our many pictures and felt touched and content with the life we're living. Following is a favorite quote that comes to mind:

How much influence the world has over our children really depends on what standards we set at home - standards by which the children are accustomed to measure things - and the strength of the family ties. A respect for parents, the satisfaction of learning together, a fondness for simple pleasures, good humor amidst hard work, sympathy in sorrow, and the joy of worshipping together are a part of the atmosphere of a close family. Such families give the gift of unworldliness. May we all be enabled to provide our children with such an atmosphere.

-Karen Andreola

We certainly don't achieve the ideal family atmosphere mentioned in this quote all the time; but we do try, and there are lots of really, really great moments that keep us going through the ones that don't make it onto film!

Here are a few happy memories for me from the past couple of months...

Halloween!

What can I say about this get-up?

I came into the family room to find Joel giving Abby a violin lesson.

Everybody wants to sit by Dad... especially on Christmas.... especially with their new towels.

Mom and Dad's 70th birthday party.

Celebrating Abby's 2nd birthday!

Brendan's first fish! (Even if it was a carp and had to go back into the lake...)

Two happy sisters on the slide! Maddie is a WONDERFUL friend and companion for Abby.

The Importance of Equity

The recent revolution and resignation of Egypt's President Mubarak reminds me of a history lesson with the kids...

We were discussing the Byzantine empire which, at the time, was ruled by an Emperor named Justinian and his wife Theodora. Justinian conquered many countries around the borders of the Mediterranean and was very pleased with his ability to enlarge his kingdom. Well, he soon found that ruling such a large territory wasn't so easy, and many of these countries had their own laws for how things were to be handled. For example, if something washed up on the seashore, who did it belong to? The person who found it or the person who lived on that section of the beach?

Justinian realized that for the kingdom to be united as a whole, everyone needed to follow the same set of laws. So he and his wife Theodora (who sounds like an amazing, wise leader - even more than Justinian if you read her history), set about to establish a code of laws for the entire kingdom to follow.

Ultimately, they did manage to unite the kingdom through a code of laws which all members respected and followed. There are a couple of hilarious ones, such as: If you are trimming a tree and someone walks under it and a branch falls on them, it's your fault. But if you warn the person first and they still choose to walk under the tree and get hit by a branch, it's their fault. Funny as it is, this as well as the rest of the laws allowed for a short period of stability and peace within the Byzantine empire.

Okay, so I'm teaching this lesson to my children, and one of the related activities is to establish a code of laws for our family. I thought this would be a fun, relatively easy activity that the kids would enjoy.

So the kids started throwing out ideas, but the laid-back feeling in the room soon changed as they thought about the ramifications of some of these rules that were being discussed. Quickly, passions, strong opinions, and concerns about the proposed laws were voiced. I watched in awe as the children engaged in an honest-to-goodness debate about the way friends and toys should be dealt with. The kids presented one idea, then another, then another, about how to handle things related to various aspects of our lives. Back and forth, back and forth, I felt like I was watching a little mini-congress meet. I was so impressed with their process when they eventually reached conclusions on which everyone agreed.

More amazing than the fact they actually all agreed in the end was the fact the rules they came up with are really fair, worthwhile rules (which have since really helped them interact with each other). Being kind, as well as proper treatment of friends and property are the jist of them. I do have to throw out the most easily agreed upon rule (the Byzantines had their silly tree rule, right?) which was: If you find a shiny rock in the backyard and you clean it, you get to keep it. So keep that in mind... if you come to my house, you should know your rights if you find an awesome rock in the backyard.

Anyway, in observing the whole event, I realized that a desire for equality and fair laws is a basic human need, regardless of age. In order for a society to be fully satisfied, the laws governing it must be fair to all - both on the macro-scale of a country and the micro-scale within the walls of our own homes. By setting up an equitable set of rules in our homes, we are teaching our children the optimum way a "system" should operate, thereby giving them a solid base for belonging to or running a system in the future.

The last point that came to mind on this subject is the need for the "rulers" of the society (King, President, or Mom and Dad) to remember the idea behind the old English Magna Carta. The main premise being that the ruler of a kingdom must follow the laws he or she expects the patrons to obey. They are not allowed to ignore the laws at whim merely because they are the rulers.

For example, have you ever thought of how many times we tell our children to say "please" and ask for something nicely, when we ourselves - because we are the parent - feel the right to tell them to do something without the "please?" I am learning that there is virtually no other way to teach a child to speak courteously and say "please" than for that child to be experiencing that same treatment from me at home on a regular basis. If our children remind us of our need to say "please," (which can irritate us, be honest) we can recognize they are merely feeling the human need for fairness, and when we deliver it (give them the "please"), their faith in the set of laws is again restored. Shouldn't we, as the ruler, give them every reason to have that faith in our system?

To finish off, I want to veer back to my original subject and congratulate the Egyptian people. I really hope that the government system to follow is democratic and fair - not just for the sake of their people, but because all humans, young and old, have the right to a democratic, equitable set of laws.

"We are all meant to be naturalists..."

Watching the kids enjoy the second snow of the season (the first was on Thanksgiving morning), I was reminded of another favorite quote by Charlotte Mason:

There is no kind of knowledge to be had in these early years so valuable to children as that which they get for themselves, of the world they live in. Let them at once get into touch with nature, and a habit is formed which will be a source of delight through life. We are all meant to be naturalists, each to his own degree, and it is inexcusable to live in a world so full of marvels of plant and animal life and to care for none of these things.

My Dad is certainly a naturalist, and I spent many days and nights outside fishing, camping, roasting hot dogs in the backyard, and looking at the many types of wildlife he would point out to me on some distant hill. While I am not the naturalist my father is, I do want the children to love and appreciate nature; but I love it more when something simple and beautiful like fresh snow makes it so darn easy!

Also, I'd like to point out that in the picture Maddie is collecting snow to make "snow cream" which is a concoction that tastes a lot like vanilla ice cream. It's really quite good, if it doesn't bother you that you're eating snow. Which, for some reason, kind of does bother me. ; )

Happy Winter!!

An Adventure with Chickens

Charlotte Mason said that each day a child needs :

1. Something or someone to love.

2. Something to do.

3. Something to think about.

With this fabulous idea in mind, as well as Maddie's strong need for a pet (really - her dream is to be a farmer when she grows up), we finally agreed on some pets that we thought we could all live with.

So, we recently bought 9 baby chicks with the intent to cuddle and play with them, raise them, and then enjoy their eggs when they start laying. I have to admit I have enjoyed these cute little puffballs so much more than I thought I would! I find myself watching them, worrying about them, and smiling at the cute little things they do. I might feel differently about them later when they become more work to care for, but right now I think they are great additions to the family.

The kids, of course, are loving them as well. They have named them Acorn, Fluffy, Lightning, Kahmunrah, Velociraptor, and honestly I can't remember the rest. We are, unfortunately, down to 8 chicks though, as one of them stopped thriving and passed away after the first night. The rest seem to be growing and doing well.

Anyway, we'll see how this adventure goes! We're sure enjoying this phase of raising them. The next step is for Greg to build a chicken coop...